“And then, at that very moment, I made peace with my body. I put up the white flag, I stroke it gently and apologized to it. I pinched some stomach fat and smiled, because for me this stomach fat reflects life.”
Blogging very soon about my second semester of college, body shaming/self love, and bikini season! School has been taking up all of my time, but since summer time is around the corner I will have more free time. I hope to post once a week during the summer! Stay tuned.
Creating a well-rounded citizen, what a great read!
Another School Year: Why?
Although John Ciardi was an accomplished poet in his own right, most people know him only through his translation of Dante’s Inferno. I discovered him quite by accident, as you will see.
In 1988 or 1989, when I was working at the University of Dallas, I came across an old, mustard yellow pamphlet while cleaning out some files. The title intrigued me, and I spent a few minutes reading it. I soon found myself immersed in the ideas and the literary style: This is not only poignant, but a good read, to boot.
Time passed (as it tends to do). I left UD for Grinnell College, Communicorp in Atlanta, and then St. Bonaventure. In late 1997, while searching for some words of welcome for the entering freshman class, I found myself ripping apart my old files, which had been moved several times in the previous eight…
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This past semester has been one to remember. From crazy weekend adventures with friends to last minute study group I wouldn’t change it for anything. I have learned many thing about myself from living (almost) on my own. For one, 3 a.m. in the morning is equivalent to 10:30 p.m. for the typical 
college student, and I will never live up to staying awake for that long. I also suffered the consequences of starting a Netflix series 2 weeks before finals because Greys Anatomy will almost always be more important than accounting homework. And oddly finished with great grades and great friends even with 10:30 bed times and the occasional Netflix binge.
Nonetheless, this past semester has been absolutely amazing. An underlying word that continually pops into my head when I think about the past few months is fortunate. My decision to go to ORU couldn’t have become reality without my parents. I expressed my last minute desire to go away for school, and they stopped at nothing to make it happen. Now that spring semester is coming around the corner tuition is paid and I am ready to begin new classes and a new year. The New Years is one of my favorites times. I love goals and lists and resolutions to make me a better me. 2016 will be filled with joy and at times be filled with heartache. In either circumstance I will tread on knowing that God has so much in store for my life even if I don’t always feel him near. The New Year gives us all an opportunity to make anything happen.
2016 Goals:
1. Run a half-marathon or maybe a full marathon.
2. No matter how long it takes to manage my hair or how bored I may be one day, DO NOT CUT IT.
4. Go someplace I’ve never been before.
I have realized that not counting calories will be much harder than I thought. Of course the first few days were great but when I went home during Thanksgiving things took a step backwards. I am not sure if it was my loud family in the now small apartment we live in, the lack of cleanliness, or all the thanksgiving food but it was much harder to not count calories. I became so accustom to tracking everything. When I chose to stop I guess I should have known it was more of a marathon rather than a sprint. Although I did not binge on the various dishes, the little voice in the back of my head kept popping numbers into my head. I did not fully understand how tightly I got wrapped around foods finger. As I journey through the triumphs and struggles of “carefree” living I realize how not carefree I am. My underlying desire to control is fighting so hard to overpower my newly found identity. Nonetheless, the marathon I am embarking will be long but well worth it. The numbers will slowly fade and I will able to enjoy actual food, not numbers. Healthy food as well as the occasional piece of cake will be eaten equally, and without guilt.
“Better days ahead than we ever left behind”
-C.S. Lewis
I cannot tell you how happier I am not depending my worth 
based on a number. I eating only when I’m hungry. Not worrying about calories has released an enormous weight off my back.
When I really think about where it all started I realize there has to be an origin or birthday to where this began. When I try and retrace my steps I come across two different experiences. The first one was a time I stepped on the scale and I didn’t like the weight I saw. The weight scared me because I had gained weight without realizing it. My primary goal after that day was to lose weight, but it was with positive goals. As the months went by I did lose weight, but I was still healthy. My thoughts had not yet become corrupt. The second event that may have sparked my reason for restriction is the reaction from a guy I was dating. The reaction was pertaining to my weight. I outwardly pretending to be fine but my feelings were very hurt. My personality is one where I want to be seemly strong all the time. I wanted to act like that didn’t waver me, but it did.
When I think about it now I am aware of how minuscule those events were. It sparked an unending and unreachable black hole. I wanted to lose weight and that eventually turned in to my relentless desire to control. I knew I would be unable to control everything so I settled with just controlling my food intake. Little did I know I would be here regretting ever installing a calorie counting app in the first place.
Not having a calorie app makes me more than ecstatic. A huge weight I feel has lifted off my chest, and I am so excited to what the future holds. I searched for my identity in the wrong places for those few years. Control over everything looked so good. I now can see that I will never have control. I will continue to reach but never catch a hold of control because the only one who is sovereign and has control over everything is God.
This truth is way easier said than done.
November 18, 2015
I decided that I need to learn to love to write.
And that I am deciding to recover indefinitely.
My first idea was to BLOG. It’s basically writing my diary on the internet, no big deal right?
I am “recovering” from the eating disorder I never had.
But before anything else I guess I should tell you a little about myself:
Am 19 and am currently attending Oral Roberts University; A private Christian university (no I am not filthy rich).
I believe in Jesus and realize that He has my best intentions in mind even if I do not understand life 80% of the time.
I am a seemly healthy individual and I love to lift heavy iron and run minimal cardio.
I started counting calories about 1,420 days ago and haven’t gone a day without know what goes in my mouth…besides yesterday
I started to not count calories about 36 hours ago. It’s going well.
I am not anorexic. I didn’t lose 40 pounds in 3 months, but I did find wholeness in my calorie counting app. I have been restricting my food intake and have been at a calorie deficit for the past 3 years.
I want to be free from the numbers in the back of the box or cereal or the jar of peanut butter.
I have felt shackled by the way I look and my desire to control; it’s time to let go.
November 18, 2015 30 minutes past midnight my stomach cringes at the thought that I have eaten exactly 705 calories. I am unable to fall asleep because of how hungry I am. I lay in bed trying not to think of food. For the past week I have eaten under 1000 calories and I think of a plan for next week. I try and convince myself that to only way of control is to restrict and restrict. I try and eat less as possible and still be able to function in class.
I cannot take it and walk outside to ask one of my friends for a Nutrigrain bar. I tell God how tired I am, and that I cannot do this anymore. Suddenly out of the blue, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I had no desire to add that bar to my App and a wave of light came over me. I decided to delete my calorie counting app. I was ready to find my identity. My true identity in Christ.
So often during the late nights in bed listening to what my friends call “chill music”, my head become clear. I can just be completely silent and just think. I had no clue what switched my light on, but I believe God set me free in that exact moment.
That is what brings me to this blog: I want to share the struggles I have spent so much times trying to hide. I want to be completely transparent in hope to encourage others.
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