November 18, 2015
I decided that I need to learn to love to write.
And that I am deciding to recover indefinitely.
My first idea was to BLOG. It’s basically writing my diary on the internet, no big deal right?
I am “recovering” from the eating disorder I never had.
But before anything else I guess I should tell you a little about myself:
Am 19 and am currently attending Oral Roberts University; A private Christian university (no I am not filthy rich).
I believe in Jesus and realize that He has my best intentions in mind even if I do not understand life 80% of the time.
I am a seemly healthy individual and I love to lift heavy iron and run minimal cardio.
I started counting calories about 1,420 days ago and haven’t gone a day without know what goes in my mouth…besides yesterday
I started to not count calories about 36 hours ago. It’s going well.
I am not anorexic. I didn’t lose 40 pounds in 3 months, but I did find wholeness in my calorie counting app. I have been restricting my food intake and have been at a calorie deficit for the past 3 years.
I want to be free from the numbers in the back of the box or cereal or the jar of peanut butter.
I have felt shackled by the way I look and my desire to control; it’s time to let go.
November 18, 2015 30 minutes past midnight my stomach cringes at the thought that I have eaten exactly 705 calories. I am unable to fall asleep because of how hungry I am. I lay in bed trying not to think of food. For the past week I have eaten under 1000 calories and I think of a plan for next week. I try and convince myself that to only way of control is to restrict and restrict. I try and eat less as possible and still be able to function in class.
I cannot take it and walk outside to ask one of my friends for a Nutrigrain bar. I tell God how tired I am, and that I cannot do this anymore. Suddenly out of the blue, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I had no desire to add that bar to my App and a wave of light came over me. I decided to delete my calorie counting app. I was ready to find my identity. My true identity in Christ.
So often during the late nights in bed listening to what my friends call “chill music”, my head become clear. I can just be completely silent and just think. I had no clue what switched my light on, but I believe God set me free in that exact moment.
That is what brings me to this blog: I want to share the struggles I have spent so much times trying to hide. I want to be completely transparent in hope to encourage others.